7 Years.

Seven years ago today on the 7th Febuary 2007 I said my final goodbyes to my wonderful mother Karen.
She tried to fight off cancer for the little time that was under one year but unfortunately it got the best of her. What started of as breast cancer quickly developed into bone cancer and the words "There's nothing more we can do for you Ms McGee" passed through the doctors mouth and into the ears of my strong, wonderful mum.

With myself and my younger brother just being the tender young ages of 13 and 15 when she finally closed her eyes for the last time it was the hardest thing we've had deal with and no child so young should have to experience all that we did. We were young enough to be naive yet old enough to be wise on what was happening to my mum.

Me as a young blossoming teenager with hormones flying all over the shop was sometimes truly awful to my mother, but was I really as awful as I perceived myself to be? I think not. At times I threw a tantrum, at times I told her I hated her but what 15 year old girl doesn't when going through puberty? I spent years feeling guilty about how "nasty" I was to her but in the past year or so I've realised I was just like any other teenager yet the difference between me and my peers was my mother was dying. Once the guilt had lifted and I had realised that actually I wasn't that awful to her I started to reflect on the amazing memories me and my mother shared in her last few months of being on this earth. Late night snuggles on the sofa watching CSI and Greys Anatomy. Random photographs, drinking lots of tea, beautiful conversations of advice and giggles, her teaching me how to apply my make up properly, trips to New York and sharing a bed hearing her tell me she loved me daily and that I was her little girl, her peachy.

I've come to embrace my mothers death and although I would give up anything and everything just to share another hour with her I also wouldn't change my time with her. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her, her smile, her laugh, her advice. But I do sometimes wonder, would I have achieved all that I have to this day if it wasn't for my determination to do my mother proud after she had passed? Would I have realised how important drama and acting was to me? Would I have perused it as a career choice? I will never know. All I know is that I love her. I always will. I know that I miss her. I know that every day is slightly harder and emptier than the last with out her being around. Growing up with out my mother was one of the hardest things I've dealt with. Becoming a woman was even harder.

This week has been particularity hard as we've recently had to say goodbye to my wonderful fathers, papa my Grandad. We lost him to cancer as well. The ceremony was beautiful and I was so proud of my amazing dad for being so strong and so brave. As were the rest of my family. I'm grateful for spending so much time with my Grandad before he passed and really getting to know what a wonderfully funny man he was.

If it wasn't for my father I don't think myself or my younger brother would have gotten through any hard time we've had. Not only did he have to play the role of dad but also in some ways play the role of mum. He wiped my tears when I cried, gave me the best advice as he could have, he tried to understand me as a woman. It was hard for him. Yet he stayed so strong and so loving through out. I know I wouldn't exchange him in the world. He has become my rock. And I know my mother would be so happy that me and my father are so close now , I remember her saying once after myself and my papa argued and I insisted that I never wanted to see him again, "He's your dad peach, he loves you so much and no matter how upset or angry he gets he's still your dad and he still loves you, you don't want to argue with him, talk to him." Wise words mother wise words.

So mama, seven years have gone. Seven whole years since I last saw your beaming smile, the last time I heard your slight cheeky cockney accent, the last time I heard you tell me you loved me. As I sit here writing this I don't sit here crying I sit here smiling. Smiling because I know that the time I shared with you, although short, was the best time of my life. You've left an imprint on me and everyone else you've been around. You were contagious and that I thank you for. I still see you every day. I know your with me and I hope I keep making you proud. So let us all raise a glass for my mama, my Grandpapa and all those that may have lost someone they hold dear and all the survivors of this disgusting disease, you are all fighters.

I may not know what my future holds for me in regards to contracting cancer, all I know is I could not have done this with out my dad.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you"